There comes a time in every writer’s life (at least I think so; probably not) when they are confronted with such an absurd premise that the only possible response is to match it with an equal level of ridiculousness. For that reason, this article will be examining the current methods of attacking in boxing while attempting to inject some fresh excitement into the world of pugilism. Inspired by the travesty that was Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather Jr., I believe it’s time to loosen up the old rule book in stuffy old boxing. It’s time to get weird.
If you remember the build-up to the much-anticipated fiftieth bout of Mayweather’s career in which he faced an opponent with zero wins or losses, one of the talking points that kept reoccurring was McGregor’s unorthodox style and exotic angles developed for competing in mixed martial arts. The thought process was that Floyd had never fought anyone this inexperienced before, so that was supposed to somehow work in the MMA superstar Conor McGregor’s favor.
Very little attention was paid to the fact that MMA angles and techniques only work in MMA and that the contest would be fought under strict boxing rules. People just wanted to see Conor do something crazy that Floyd never saw coming, resulting in an upset knock-out. Obviously, this was never going to happen, but people believed and spent their money, and the rest is history.
But what if we could alter the rules a little bit? The current ruleset is well defined, traditional, and logical. You know what word I left out? Fun! It’s time for the sweet science to get with the times! The fact of the matter is that there are more mainstream stars in the UFC right now than are in boxing. That means these crossover fights are going to continue happening.
I ask, what’s the point of continuing to pair up the best mixed martial artists with the best boxers if they’re just going to fight under boxing’s old-school rules? Phooey, I say. The sluggers can’t possibly come to the UFC for these bouts; the takedowns and kicks would make it impossible for them to compete. Instead, it’s time to allow for some rule changes to make these superfights more even.
Lucky for all of the big-money players in both sports, I’ve got all the answers they need. I’ve developed a series of previously-illegal moves that I believe will spice up the next MMA versus boxing event. They range from ludicrous to criminally insane, but don’t we all?
The first attack I’m adding back into the arsenal is the hammer punch. Numerous times throughout the McGregor vs. Mayweather fight, Conor used this weapon against his opponent to very little success and much scolding from the referee. Well, now he’s going to be allowed to use it.
The hammer punch is when a fighter bends their arm at the elbow before extending it in a downward, attacking motion, connecting with the opponent with the blade of the hand, on the pinky side. For years, this technique has proven to be immensely successful against grounded opponents in the UFC octagon, although it doesn’t transfer as well to when combatants are standing.
Regardless, I believe fighters should be able to corner their opponent, tie up the arms in the clinch, and then release a barrage of hammer punches. Just imagine Conor McGregor repeatedly knocking on Floyd’s dopey forehead with the side of his hand! It’ll be amazing! Even if it doesn’t hurt him or knock him out, it’ll undoubtedly be irritating and will make for great online memes.
The Superman Punch is when an opponent jumps through the air, leading with a straight punch. When the athlete is mid-punch, they resemble Superman when he’s flying. This is actually an incredibly useful technique in MMA and was the topic of much conversation entering the previously mentioned superfight.
A prevailing theory was that Conor would open the fight by running across the ring and launching into the unexpected flying punch. The problem was that boxing has rules to cover this already, and it’s illegal. But I don’t understand why that would be. You’re still hitting with the knuckle part of the glove; why should it matter if you choose to jump or not?
While I would definitely make this attack legal, it would lose quite a bit of its effectiveness in the ring. Superman punches work so well in MMA because they resemble a leg kick when you’re setting it up. The opponent goes to block low, your punch comes high, and presto, the opponent is rocked. But in boxing, there’s no chance that you’re throwing that kick, so why would they bite on the fake?
Either way, effectiveness doesn’t matter. I want to see boxers jumping around the ring at each other like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and this is a great way to make that happen. Also, it’ll probably frequently be countered while the fighter is still in the air, which will lead to some humiliating and spectacular knockouts.
The Thunder Clap is a real doozy and a must-add to the arsenal of boxing weapons. This assault comes from generations of professional wrestling. To execute this deadly maneuver, the attacking fighter needs merely to open their arms before swiftly clapping their hands on either side of the opponent’s head, preferably right on their ears.
Sure, the setup is going to leave fighters extremely vulnerable to any straight punches fired right down the middle, but if they successfully complete that clap, the boxer’s ears are going to be ringing. This will be best saved for when both fighters are in the corner with little room to move. Executed correctly, we’ll probably see some decent knockouts with this one. It seems likely to rupture eardrums and disrupt equilibrium.
Plus, it’s the kind of thing you would see on The Three Stooges, which increases my enthusiasm for the attack. God help the fighter that falls victim to the Thunder Clap, though; that video clip will live on the internet for the rest of time.
Falsetto is a voice that is unusually high, so I’m sure you see where I’m going with this one. That’s right; I’m re-introducing low blows to the sport of boxing! If we are trying to figure out who the best fighter is at standing and punching, why should that stop at the beltline? In a real street fight, anything goes; why take away one of the most vulnerable targets?!
Now, while I do want to allow punches to the jewels, I still feel like competitors should be entitled to protection. You may wear a steel cup, just like they do currently, but if your opponent wants to try and bash through that thing? Good luck to you!
Talk about a way to really even the playing field. As soon as the nether regions are back on the menu, we are going to see far more upsets in the sport of boxing. Nothing equalizes an otherwise uneven matchup quite like a swift uppercut below the belt.
In case you’ve never seen the tremendous 1975 cult classic Dolemite, let me fill you in. Dolemite is a movie starring Rudy Ray Moore, in which the protagonist plays a pimp that knows karate. He also has his stable of hoes that all do kung fu and are led by a woman named Queen Bee. It’s so terrible, it’s hilarious, but it’s also so awful that you can’t even sit through it for the laughs. I typically tap out after twenty minutes or so.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, like Dolemite, I believe pugilists should be able to throw a mean backhand! What’s the difference, as long as they are attacking with the gloved part of the hand? The pimp-slap backhand could be extremely useful after missing punches. Let’s say you throw a straight right hand that is dodged by your opponent. Rather than bring the arm all the way back into a defensive position, fighters should be able just to reverse its direction and swing that fist back at their opponent’s face!
This technique would also add lots of entertainment value to one-sided fights. Imagine a fighter dominating twelve rounds of action before setting their opponent up for a humiliating aggressive backhand. It would really become a significant factor in the mind games between athletes.
Also known as the Tasmanian Devil, fighters are going to need impeccable balance and healthy inner ears to make this one work. This technique is executed by simply extending both arms out to their sides, then rapidly spinning while advancing in the direction of their opponent.
If you can spin fast enough, there’s some chance that you will confuse and confound your opponent before landing a wild, looping punch to their temple. More likely though, this is going to get fighters punched in the back of their head or rocked to the body. If it’s timed incorrectly, any decent boxer will get under the twirling arms with ease before answering with a counter.
But that doesn’t matter! Because it’s not about how well these attacks might work; it’s about whether or not they should be allowed. So if a fighter wants to spin like a maniac and pray that it works out, I say let them do it! The Tasmanian Devil had a lot of success with this in the cartoons; who am I to crush someone’s dreams by telling them they can’t do the same?
The last asinine attack that I could think of is affectionately known as the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em, named after the most overrated board game on the face of the earth. Actually, let me digress for a moment. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots absolutely stinks. You can barely move the dumb characters. There’s no real technique; it’s just two morons mashing the buttons and hoping the other robot’s head pops off. It always looked so cool as a kid; never meet your heroes, folks.
For the purposes of our discussion, this technique will begin by bringing both gloves to your own chin, with palms facing your body. With your arms acting as the defense, bob and weave within range of your opponent. Once you’re within striking distance, jolt both arms forward simultaneously at the victim’s face! If you aim right under the chin, their head might pop off.
If it does successfully work, and their head does, in fact, pop off their neck, you will win the fight, but will most likely be left permanently scarred psychologically. First, if I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones, beheadings result in lots and lots of blood. That’s going to bum everyone out. Then there’s the fact that you’re now a murderer, and you’ve seen a man’s head roll around the canvas by your hands…..
On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t allow for the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em. Maybe those dumb robots really know what they’re talking about, and this assault is too powerful for mere mortal humans. It’s just not worth all the years in therapy.
Following the colossal success of Conor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather, we can expect to see more of these cross-discipline matchups in the near future. However, always holding them in a boxing ring, under boxing rules, is an unfair disadvantage for the MMA athletes. For this reason, I propose we alter boxing’s long-held rulebook.
Boxing, under its current restrictions, has already been mastered. It’s time to add some new angles and shake things up some. While none of the techniques listed here are likely to be very productive, they sure would be fun to see attempted. And in the case of the Dolemite Backhand, it could significantly impact the emotional wellbeing of the opponent hit with it.
Why tune in to watch UFC fighter after UFC fighter line up for slaughter in a discipline they are inexperienced in? Let’s get crazy and allow for some Thunder Claps, Whirling Dervishes, and flying Superman Punches. We’ll just draw the line at the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em uppercuts. It’s a terrible board game and an even worse tool of devastation.